The generic spell checker in Word 2007 marks the word “Bakili” as misspelled and helpfully offers a suggestion that I find to be quite a revelation.

Go on, try it for yourself. By the way, those who don’t have Word 2007, I’m sure other earlier versions yield the same result.  

Now that you’ve tried it, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Come on, how difficult can it be to connect ‘Bakili’ and ‘Bacilli’?

Alright, I’ll try to tell you then.

Let’s imagine Bakili is a bacterium called bakili. That shouldn’t be too tasking an exercise given that during his two terms, all government piggy banks were infected into near-emptiness by his kleptocratic fingers.

Anyway, never mind that. What we should do instead is exercise our minds further and imagine that bakili is in the group of beneficial presidentus domocrati bacteria that are used to vaccinate Malawi against endemic dictatorship.  And let’s say this vaccine turns pathogenic whenever any dose over and above the recommended one is taken.  

In our case, Dr Constitution prescribes a maximum of two consecutive five year doses of any strain of presidentus. Of course, in some cases just the first five years may be more than enough. But like some experiment gone awry, bakili simply refuses to go away whatever Malawi tries to do. Not even a prescription of the widely acclaimed antibiotic Section 83 (3) seems to be working.

But why? No matter how much I try, I can’t for the life of me figure out why one Bakili Muluzi deludes himself into believing that Malawi needs him for another five year term, at the very least. I can’t believe he thinks we’re so masochistic we would like encores of being beaten by Young Democrats even when we seek refuge in police stations. I don’t understand how he thinks we’re ready to have our government coffers  fleeced once again. I just can’t comprehend why he’s convinced we want more of the ghost schools that were built all over the country. I thought even someone as delusional as him would by now have grasped the fact that we didn’t enjoy our retrogression on virtually every human development index. How could he fail to see that we were ashamed of having a president who was more comfortable spouting shallow jokes on the decade long campaign trail than being behind his desk doing what we elected him for?

By the way, let’s not forget that should he be allowed to run and happens to win, we wouldn’t have him for just five years. No way! He would cling to the seat for another ten years at the very least. After all, I would be far from surprised were he to once again try to fiddle with Malawi’s constitution to increase or worse still remove the term limits. Wasn’t he the consummate tinkler during his second term! A Constitution Engineer, if you follow my drift.

Remember Chavez of Venezuela has succeeded in having term limits removed after having failed to do so at his first attempt.


What? You still don’t get it! OK, let’s consult the non-existent but voluminous Daniso’s Dictionary of Concocted Definitions where we find:

Bacilli: n. pl \ba*cil*li\  Rod shaped, spore forming, aerobic bacteria of the genus Bacillus.

Bakili: n. s. \ba*ki*li\  A strain of the presidentus democrati bacteria that first to self-destruct after 10 years and instead turned pathogenic. It is highly resistant to anti-biotics

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